Widowhood and the First Journeys

The fatal hour came at last when the brittle thread of life snapped asunder, and his spirit fled to an invisible world. This mournful event took place on the 27th day of January, 1823. It was a day never to be forgotten. Although my poor husband had suffered under so protracted an illness, and I had had so much time to prepare for the solemn hour, I found my strength very inadequate to sustain the awful scene; my strength, alas, was perfect weakness; but God was my strong tower and my refuge in the day of distress. Some kind friends came forward, and offered to undertake the interment of the corpse and defray the expences of his funeral; but as it was the last thing I could do for him, I declined their generous offer, and chose rather to do it myself; and though it involved me in considerable expense, my creditors waited patiently, until by the Lord’s blessing I was enabled to pay it all off to the uttermost farthing; to God be all the praise!

After my dear husband was buried, and I had become a little settled, instead of submitting myself in all things to be led by the Spirit, I rather leaned to my own understanding, and procured a situation of servitude for my little girl, and another for myself, judging these the best means I could adopt for the liquidation of my debts; and I remained in service until my health was so impaired that I was compelled to relinquish it; nor did the blessing of my heavenly Father appear to prosper this course; for I was constantly obliged to be under medical treatment, and yet grew worse and worse. I therefore left my situation, and went back to my house, which I had still reserved in case I should want it. I then opened a school, and the Lord blessed the effort, and increased the number of my pupils, so that I soon had a nice little school; many of the society of friends came and visited it, and assisted me with books and other necessaries for it. They were also much pleased with the improvement of the children; and when any strangers came to visit Burlington, they introduced them to me; and it was gratifying to many of them to see a female of colour teaching the coloured children, whom the white people refused to admit into their seminaries; and who had been suffered formerly to run about the streets for want of a teacher. The pride of a white skin is a bauble of great value with many in some parts of the United States, who readily sacrifice their intelligence to their prejudices, and possess more knowledge than wisdom. The Almighty accounts not the black races of man either in the order of nature or spiritual capacity as inferior to the white; for He bestows his Holy Spirit on, and dwells in them as readily as in persons of whiter complexion: the Ethiopian eunuch was adopted as a son and heir of God; and when Ethiopia shall stretch forth her hands unto him, their submission and worship will be graciously accepted. This prejudice was far less prevalent in that part of the country where I resided in my infancy; for when a child, I was not prohibited from any school on account of the colour of my skin. Oh! that men would outgrow their nursery prejudices and learn that “God hath made of one blood all the nations of men that dwell upon all the face of the earth.” Acts xvii. 26.

But my mind was not long at rest in this situation; for the remembrance of the commission which I had received from the Lord very strongly impressed me; and as the Lord had said, “Thou must preach the gospel, and thou must travel far and wide,” so He was about to bring it to pass, but I knew not in what manner. I was not as yet out of debt; and with an empty exchequer, I felt myself but ill adapted to set out on an excursion for preaching the gospel. I was not as yet sufficiently broken in nor bent enough to the discipline of heaven, entirely to live and walk in the Spirit; but projected many schemes and ways for the Lord to act by; yet He did not stoop down to my wretched conceptions, nor avail Himself of my short-sighted plans: for He hath said, “I am God, and besides me there is no Saviour.” “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah lv. 9. I appointed many opportunities in my own mind, on which to venture on a journey into the country to preach the gospel in far distant places, if the Lord would beforehand furnish me with the necessary supplies for such an undertaking; but I thought it a sin to undertake such a journey while I remained indebted to any man. And here Satan bound me down for two years; at the expiration of which, I possessed no more accumulation of funds than before; and notwithstanding that my school was greatly improved, yet I was hedged up on every side; as it is written, “Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things written in the book of the law to do them.”

I then began to question the reality of my call to the ministry; and endeavoured to bring it to the test by laying my heart before the Lord, and solemnly praying to the God of my salvation, that if it were His will for me to go out to preach the gospel, He would give me a token thereof by opening my way before me at the end of three months; and, if otherwise, that He would remove from my mind the weighty impression, which clogged me with care, kept me as a prisoner on parole, and blighted every other prospect in life. I accordingly waited very quietly until the time was nearly expired, watching carefully the signs of the time; but all was still dark; and not only so, I was also attacked with a severe fit of sickness, and rendered unable to attend to my school. I then concluded that I had been mistaken, and endeavoured to attribute my past impressions to the zeal of imagination; for I thought, if it had really been the design of God to send me forth to preach His gospel, He would have disposed my affairs so as to open my way, and suitably replenish my purse for the journey; but instead of this being the case, my situation became more and more irksome, and hemmed in with difficulties. Oh! how amazingly difficult is it for the Christian, when decoyed by erratic gleams, or delusive principles, he misses his way, wanders from his proper compass point, and flounders amongst the marshy reeds of worldly principles and proprieties, to detect his error, espy the gospel beacon, and regain his path: thus it was with me; and in prayer I said to my heavenly master, in reference to my ministry, “Now I know that I am mistaken; and I am not going out at all.”

I had no sooner uttered these words, than a dreadful and chilling gloom instantaneously fluttered over, and covered my mind; the Spirit of the Lord fled out of my sight, and left me in total darkness—such darkness as was truly felt; so awful a sensation I never felt before or since. I had quenched the Spirit, and became like a tormented demon: I knew not what to do, for I had lost my spiritual enjoyments; my tongue was also silenced, so that I was unable to speak to God: and though my congregation continued to meet every Lord’s day, I had no power whatever to preach to them. The members of the class inquired why I did not preach to the people? “You see,” said they, “how the people flock to hear you, and yet you do not preach to them.” This went like a dagger to my heart; for it was evident to all that I had displeased my God, and therefore He had withdrawn His Holy Spirit from me; nor had I any life or power whatever in prayer. I then laid my case before some of the church; but none of them could administer any comfort to me. I also consulted some of the Society of Friends, but they could give me no instructions, because my business was not with mortal man, but with the living God. The anguish of my soul continually increased; every thing went contrary with me, and I fretted and repined, and found fault when there was no occasion, except in myself. I shall never forget the reproof I received from my little daughter on account of the irritability of my temper. She looked at me one day, and said, “Mother, what does ail thee? why, I never saw thee so before; I believe thou art going to be like some of the queer old women.” I received this reproof as sent from God, who, I believe, had put it into the mind of the child to utter it; and, from that day, I solemnly pledged myself to the Lord, that if He would again bestow on me the aids of His Holy Spirit, I would go forth in His ministry just as I was, not waiting for any further provision or preparation, but trusting alone in His holy word; and I prayed that He would enable me again to preach to my people in Burlington; and that on such and such day of the month, I would obey His holy commands, whatever might become of me. The Lord accepted of my proposition; and on the next Lord’s day, my tongue was set at liberty, and my heart was enlarged; and I was enabled to preach with more fluency and copiousness than ever before. I then informed my audience, that I must leave them, and go out into the vineyard of the Lord; and announced to them on what day I should preach my farewell address to them. It was a Bochim, a day of weeping indeed with them, but they said, “the will of the Lord be done.”

I had been under this dark cloud for more than three weeks; and the time appeared to me more than three months; but it now retired, and my captivity vanished. Heaven again opened to my eyes and ears, because I was at last led to discern the path of obedience, and hearken to the counsel of the Almighty, saying, “This is the way; walk ye in it.” The chastisement of God is often more profitable than His indulgence would be; His correction is kindness, and His severity mercy.

My peace again flowed as a river on a calm summer’s day; and I began to draw my school to a close. About three weeks prior to the time appointed for the dismission of my scholars, some friends who resided in the direction my mind was disposed to take, and with whom I had been previously acquainted, came to Burlington; and they, together with some of my dear people thought it advisable for me to accompany them on their return; but I saw no possibility of doing this, because they were about to take their departure before I could arrange my affairs, and receive the accounts due to me at the end of the current quarter. I therefore informed my kind friend that I should not be ready to go with him; but he insisted upon it, and enforced it with many arguments. I replied, “It is utterly impossible for me to be ready to go with you;” at which he seemed somewhat offended; and his wife then said, “Why, Zilpha, if thou feelest that thou art bound to go, and if it is thy wish to go, and if thou canst not get ready at this time, never mind, go as soon as thou canst, and thou wilt get along somehow, and thou wilt hardly understand how; if thou art sent, He that sends thee will take care of thee.” This filled my heart with tenderness, and my eyes with tears, and I replied, “Oh, neighbour Hull, this is a word of consolation indeed now I will return home and weep before the Lord, and all will be well.” I returned home, and my little daughter seeing the tears flowing down my cheeks, said to me, “Now, mother, what is the matter?” for she was aware of the great anxiety of mind I had so long been labouring under, and said all she could to comfort me; and added, “If I were you, I should not mind what any person said, but I should go just as I had arranged to go, and do not think any thing about me, for I shall do very well.” By this time my scholars had gathered, and the school business commenced; and for the Bible class, the lesson was in the Psalms; one of the little boys commenced the 125th Psalm, which begins thus, “They that trust in the Lord shall be as Mount Zion, which cannot be removed, but abideth for ever.” While the psalm was being read, it seemed as if I had never seen it before; but the Almighty had sent it as a special message from heaven to me: those words so filled my heart, that all my tears were dried away, and I could only exclaim, “Glory be to God!” My soul rejoiced in God my Saviour, yea, the God of my salvation. No more foreboding fears assailed me; every circumstance readily converged to its proper point, and all things were prepared exactly to the appointed hour. I took my little girl, and placed her under the care of a dear relative of mine, and proceeded on my way to the City of Philadelphia, commenced my Master’s business, and strange to relate, when I arrived in that large city, every one appeared to be acquainted with my situation. I preached in a great many chapels, and every congregation voluntarily made a collection for my aid; and every person at whose house I visited, gave me something for my journey. Oh! how astonishing was this to me. I had been for several years striving to provide myself with necessary supplies for my Master’s work, and without success; nor did I ever think of obtaining any money in my travels. It never occurred to me that I should receive a single penny in this work: but when I was willing, I ought to say—made willing to go just as I was, as the apostles of old, without purse or scrip, then the Lord made my way straight before me, and dealt bountifully with me; then was that blessed promise verified, “Seek ye the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all other things shall be added unto you.” In the first three weeks I obtained every particle that I wanted, and abundance of silver to proceed on my journey with. Oh! what mercy and what goodness was manifested to such a poor, unbelieving, weak, and unworthy instrument as me. How often have I said, “Lord! send by whom thou wilt send, only send not by me; for thou knowest that I am ignorant: how can I be a mouth for God!—a poor, coloured female: and thou knowest we have many things to endure which others do not.” But the answer was, “What is that to thee? follow thou me.”

Thus I left my child and ventured on my journey, not knowing whither I should go. From Philadelphia I started for New York; and on my journey passed within three hundred yards of my own home, yet did not call there, but pursued my journey and arrived in New York; and there the Lord rendered my ministry a blessing to many precious souls—glory be to His name. I was absent from home seven months; and when I returned, I was able to meet my creditors and pay my debts, which was an unspeakable indulgence. Hallelujah. Praise the Lord.