Trying Too Hard

“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.” — Ephesians 2:8–9 (KJV)

As a teenager, David Brainerd was very religious. He prayed, read the Bible, kept fasts and worked hard at being good. He was the kind of young person adults point to as an example. And inside, he was miserable.

The problem was that he was trying to earn God’s approval. He kept thinking that if he felt sorry enough, prayed hard enough, or was humble enough, God would have to accept him. He describes how many times he thought he had finally got there: “Thus, scores of times I vainly imagined myself humbled and prepared for saving mercy.” Each time, it fell apart.

Worse, when God didn’t seem to respond, he got angry. He writes that his “heart rose against God, as dealing hardly with me.” Then he felt guilty about being angry, which made him feel worse, which made him try harder. Round and round.

Some of this may sound familiar. Maybe you have felt that God is pleased with you on good days and disappointed on bad ones. Maybe you have tried to make up for things by being extra good. Maybe you have wondered whether you have ever really been sorry enough, or believed enough.

Eventually Brainerd saw what was wrong. Looking back at all his religious effort, he said something shocking: “the whole was nothing but self-worship.” All his praying and fasting had really been about him: his goodness, his performance, his feelings. He had been trying to give God a reason to accept him.

He also came to see that he could not do it. He described being brought “to see myself lost and helpless.” That sounds bleak, but it was actually the turning point. As long as he thought he could save himself, he kept trying. When he finally saw he couldn’t, he was ready to receive what God gives freely.

The Bible says we are saved by grace, through faith, and not by our own efforts, so that no one can boast. Grace means a gift you don’t earn. Brainerd was about to find out what that felt like.

One thing to do this week: notice this week when you catch yourself trying to earn God’s love, being extra good to make up for something, or feeling far from him because of a bad day. Each time, stop and tell him: “I can’t earn this. Thank you that it’s a gift.”