Flourishing in Singleness

"A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation. God setteth the solitary in families." Psalm 68:5-6 (KJV) In the last chapter we considered the calling of the Christian wife. But we must not turn the page without pausing to speak to those of our sisters who are not married. Not every woman is called to be a wife. Some of you reading this are single and hope to be married one day. Others are in a season of waiting, not knowing what the Lord will do. Others have been widowed and find yourselves alone after many years of marriage. Others have been divorced or abandoned through no fault of your own. And some of you may sense that God is calling you to remain unmarried for the sake of His Kingdom. Whatever your situation, this chapter is for you. You are not a lesser daughter of God because you are not married. You are fully loved, fully called, and fully able to bring great glory to Christ.

Let me speak plainly about the pressures many single women in East Africa face. From a young age, you have been told that a woman's worth is measured by marriage. Aunties ask when you will bring someone home. Women at the market whisper about why you are still alone. Some even suggest that something must be wrong with you, or that perhaps you have been cursed. Family members may try to arrange marriages you do not want. The pressure to marry — even to marry an unbeliever or a man of poor character just to have a husband — can feel suffocating. My sister, hear what the scriptures say. Your identity is not in whether a man has chosen you. Your identity is in the fact that the King of Heaven has chosen you. He loved you before the foundation of the world. He died for you on the cross. He lives in you by His Spirit. No earthly marriage can add to that, and no earthly singleness can take it away.

Consider our Lord Jesus Himself. He walked this earth for thirty-three years, and He never took a wife. He was the most fully alive person who has ever lived. He was the most loving, the most joyful, the most purposeful. His heart was not divided. His life was not less because He was unmarried. It was, in fact, more — because He was free to give Himself entirely to the mission the Father had sent Him to do. If singleness was good enough for our Lord, it is good enough for His daughters.

The apostle Paul, in First Corinthians chapter seven, writes at length about singleness and marriage. He says plainly that the unmarried woman cares for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. She is able to attend upon the Lord without distraction. Paul is not teaching that marriage is bad — he has already said that marriage is honourable. What he is saying is that singleness is a gift with its own unique opportunities. The unmarried Christian woman has time, energy, and focus that the married woman often does not. She can pray longer.

She can serve more deeply. She can go where a married woman cannot easily go. She can give herself, undivided, to the work of her Lord.

Look at the women of scripture who served God mightily while unmarried. Anna the prophetess, whom we met earlier, was widowed after only seven years of marriage. She could have spent her remaining years in bitterness, wondering what might have been. Instead, she gave herself to the Lord. She spent more than sixty years in the temple, fasting and praying night and day, and she was rewarded by being among the first to recognize the infant Messiah. Her singleness was not wasted. It was the very soil in which her great ministry of prayer grew.

Mary of Bethany, the sister of Martha and Lazarus, is never said to be married. She is remembered for sitting at the feet of Jesus and drinking in His teaching. She is remembered for anointing Him with precious oil before His death. Her undivided devotion to Christ was so beautiful that Jesus Himself said her act of love would be told wherever the gospel is preached, to the end of the age.

Mary Magdalene, whom Jesus delivered from seven demons, followed Him in His travels, supported His ministry from her own resources, stood at the foot of the cross when most of the men had fled, and was the first to see the risen Lord on Easter morning. Nothing in scripture suggests she was married. Her whole life was given to her Saviour.

Lydia of Philippi ran her own business selling purple cloth. No husband is mentioned. She led her household in baptism after her conversion. She hosted the first church in Europe in her home.

Whether she had been widowed or had never married, she used her freedom, her resources, and her home for the Kingdom of God.

Dorcas of Joppa made clothes for widows. The four virgin daughters of Philip the evangelist prophesied in the power of the Spirit. Miriam led the women of Israel in song after the Red Sea.

Again and again, scripture honors the contribution of women who were not married.

The history of the Church is full of single women whose lives bore extraordinary fruit. Amy Carmichael went from Northern Ireland to India in 1895 and never married. She founded the Dohnavur Fellowship, a refuge for girls who had been forced into temple prostitution. She rescued hundreds of children, wrote more than thirty books, and served in India for fifty-five years without a single furlough home. Mary Slessor of Scotland, whom we have met before, was engaged twice but remained unmarried for the sake of the gospel. She adopted nine orphans, ended the killing of twin babies among the people she served in West Africa, and opened the way for the gospel in regions where no missionary had dared to go. Gladys Aylward walked over the mountains of China leading a hundred orphan children to safety during the Japanese invasion. Helen Roseveare served as a single medical missionary in the Congo, endured great suffering, and planted hospitals and churches that stand to this day. Corrie ten Boom, after hiding Jews from the Nazis and surviving a concentration camp, spent the rest of her life telling the world that there is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still. Every one of these women was single. Every one of them changed the world.

Now hear this beautiful truth, and let it settle deep into your heart. No Christian is truly single.

You have been born again into the family of God. The apostle Paul writes in Ephesians that we are no longer strangers and foreigners, but fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God. Psalm sixty-eight says that God sets the solitary in families. When Jesus was told that His mother and brothers were outside looking for Him, He looked around at His disciples and said that whoever does the will of God is His brother and sister and mother. The Church is your family. Older believers become your mothers and fathers in the faith. Younger believers become your spiritual sons and daughters. Fellow believers of your own age become your brothers and sisters in Christ. You have a family larger and deeper than any biological family could ever be.

This is not just a pretty idea. It is a practical reality that must be lived out in the local church. If you are a single woman, do not hide yourself at home. Come to the fellowship. Let yourself be known. Find an older woman who can mother you. Find younger women you can encourage. Eat in the homes of families, and invite families into your home. Celebrate Christmas and Easter with the saints if you do not have family nearby. Grieve in their arms when grief comes. Rejoice with them in their joys. This is what the body of Christ is for.

Let me speak practically now. If you are single in this season, whether for now or for life, how should you live?

First, prioritize God with an undivided heart. This is your unique season of opportunity. Pray more.

Read more. Fast sometimes. Listen to Him. Let Him be your first and deepest love. A woman whose heart is fully set on the Lord cannot be shaken by the pressures of the world. This is the foundation of everything else.

Second, embrace the church family. Do not isolate. Do not stay home on Sunday because you feel out of place as the only unmarried woman in your row. Do not skip the women's fellowship because it seems full of wives and mothers. Show up. Serve. Love the families in your church. Ask godly older sisters to walk with you. Let the Body of Christ be your family, not just in name but in daily practice.

Third, serve with your whole heart. You have time that married women often do not have. You have energy to give. Consider missions. Consider teaching. Consider starting a ministry to widows, or orphans, or teenage girls, or women in prison. Consider going where others cannot easily go.

The Kingdom of God has always been advanced in large part by single women who had the freedom to give themselves fully. There may be a work God has for you that no one else can do.

Fourth, work hard and pursue excellence. Do not put your life on hold waiting for marriage. Pursue your education. Grow in your career. Start the business. Plant the garden. Buy the land. Learn the skill. Write the book. Save your money wisely. Be the Proverbs 31 woman in the stage of life you are in. Almost every part of that beautiful chapter applies to a single woman as much as to a married one. A hard-working, God-fearing single woman is a powerful testimony in a lazy and complaining generation.

Fifth, guard your heart and your body. Purity matters deeply. Do not give yourself to a man who has not committed himself to you before God and the Church. Do not date unbelievers, no matter how kind or handsome they may seem — you cannot build a Christian home on a foundation that is not Christian. Do not believe the lie that a bad marriage is better than no marriage. It is not. A godly singleness is a thousand times better than an ungodly marriage. Wait for God's best. If He does not bring marriage, then what He brings instead will be equally good, because He is a good Father.

Sixth, cultivate contentment. Contentment is not resignation. It is not giving up on marriage or pretending you do not desire it. It is the deep peace of trusting that God is good and that His plan for your life is good. Paul wrote from a Roman prison that he had learned, in whatever state he was, to be content. That learning is a journey. It comes through prayer, through scripture, through the gentle work of the Holy Spirit. Ask God to teach you this grace.

A word to those who have been widowed. God sees your grief. He is near to the brokenhearted.

Isaiah fifty-four says that your Maker is your husband — the Lord of hosts is His name. He will not leave you. Find your comfort in Him, and find your family in the Church. Many of the most powerful women in scripture and in history have been widows. Your best years of ministry may still be ahead of you.

A word to those who have been divorced or abandoned. You are not damaged goods. The God who restores all things can restore you. Whatever your past, the blood of Jesus makes you clean and new. Do not let shame keep you from the fellowship of believers. Come. Serve. Love. You belong.

My sister, whether married or single, widowed or waiting, you are loved. The Lord has not forgotten you. He is writing your story, and it is a beautiful one, though the full beauty will only be seen in eternity. Trust Him with this season of your life. Do not waste it waiting for another season to begin. Bloom where He has planted you. Serve where He has placed you. Love whom He has put in front of you. The world will know He is real, in part, because of the joy on the face of a single Christian woman who has found her all in Him.

A Prayer Heavenly Father, I thank You that my worth is not in whether I am married, but in the fact that I am Yours. Thank You for making me Your daughter and for placing me in Your great family, the Church. If I am single in this season, help me to use this time for Your glory.

Give me an undivided heart. Make me a woman of prayer, of service, and of purpose.

Protect me from loneliness and from settling for less than Your best. Surround me with brothers and sisters who love me as Your family. If You call me to marriage one day, prepare me and prepare him. If You call me to singleness for a lifetime, make me fruitful in ways I cannot imagine. Help me to love and support others in every season, just as You have loved me. In the precious name of Jesus, Amen.