A Renewed Search

This skepticism continued for more than two years, and I had settled into it, regarding it as the normal condition of any thoughtful, reasonable person. But the year 1858 was destined to change everything.

Early that year I became acquainted with some very orthodox Christians who were full of the doctrines and dogmas of Christianity. As I have mentioned before, I knew absolutely nothing of doctrines; they had never entered into my conception of religion at all. I was, therefore, immensely interested in hearing about them and began to wonder whether my unbelief might have arisen from my complete ignorance of these very doctrines.

Under the date of April 25, 1858, I wrote in my diary: Diary: “The Bible talks of the necessity of being ‘born again.’ What does it mean? Is there really such a thing to be experienced in practice? And is a belief in Jesus of Nazareth as the Savior of the world necessary to it? Oh, how I long for settlement… It may be that all my failures to find and walk in the right way arise from my rejection of Christ in the sense in which most Christians seem to receive Him; but I really cannot receive Him so. And besides, if their way is the truth, I must wait until my Divine Guide leads me into it; and certainly He is not leading me there now, but, it seems to me, farther and farther away… “My whole soul and intellect seem to shrink from the m aterial orthodox view of the Gospel. It seems impossible for me to believe in the atoning merits of Christ’s death. My mind revolts from anything so material as the idea that the outward death of His body (which, after all, must necessarily have taken place in some way as a consequence of His humanity) could have had any atoning merit. Far more likely, if atonement were needed at all, was it His life that was the sacrifice. To put on humanity must indeed have been to Divinity a wonderful condescension and bitter suffering; to put it off, no matter in what way, could have been none at all.

“But I may be wrong in my views. Only the Lord can teach me.”

Again, on May 18, 1858, I wrote: Diary: “I cannot help the feeling that I have attained a higher form of Truth than the apostles had, and therefore I cannot pray, ‘Lord, I believe; help Thou my unbelief,’ since I have no conviction of being in unbelief. I am not comfortable, however, in either my belief or unbelief — whichever it may be — and yet I see no way of escape.

“Last night at our Bible class I introduced the subject, hoping my orthodox friends would argue so conclusively on their side as to force me into conviction in the orthodox form of faith. But I felt, at the end, that no argument could avail anything. If my belief is to be changed, it will have to be by a Divine power, and it would indeed be a being ‘born again.’ But it seems impossible to me.”

Again, on June 25, 1858, I wrote: Diary: “Cold and dead again, and full of pride! The day will certainly come at last when it will be said of me, as of Ephraim of old, ‘She is wedded to her idols; let her alone!’ My ‘idol’ now, I fear, is the pride of human reason, which will not submit to become as a little child before it can enter the Kingdom of Heaven… “At prese nt I am in great trouble because of my religious belief. I long to adopt the Orthodox creed, but cannot; and while on one hand it seems wicked that I cannot, at the same time it seems also wicked in me to try to do so when a clearer light appears to have been granted to me.

“If the truth is what the Unitarians profess, I am afraid to know it. I dread the consequences. I shrink from the contempt and reproaches it would bring upon me. And yet at the same time, there is perhaps something a little pleasing to natural human pride and heroism in the thought of being called upon to take an independent stand for what I consider a higher form of truth. And yet I do not want to be independent of those I love. I am in a state of sad perplexity.”

This perplexity increased and deepened, and at last I began to feel that it was dishonest not to speak of it to my friends. I was just making up my mind to do so when, one day, an event occurred that changed the whole current of my life.

And this brings me to the second e poch in my soul’s history.