Strength Under Control

Gentleness as a Mark of True Manhood "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

— Matthew 11:28–29 What kind of man is Jesus? The King of kings. The Lord of lords. The Lion of Judah. The One who spoke galaxies into being. The One before whom every knee will bow. And how does He describe Himself? "I am gentle and humble in heart."

This is astonishing, brother. The strongest being in the universe calls Himself gentle. The One with all authority in heaven and on earth calls Himself humble. If Jesus is the perfect Man — and He is — then the perfect man is gentle. Not weak. Not soft. Not a coward. But strong in such a way that he does not need to prove it by crushing others.

We have a serious problem in our culture. Many men confuse manhood with harshness. They think that to be respected, they must shout. To be obeyed, they must threaten. To be feared, they must hit. They raise their voices at their wives, backhand their children, bark at their workers, and call it "being a man." But this is not manhood. This is brokenness. It is a man out of control trying to pretend he is in control.

Look again at Jesus. He cleared the temple with a whip (John 2:15). He rebuked demons and silenced storms. He stared down Herod and called him "that fox" (Luke 13:32). He was not soft.

And yet the same Jesus took little children in His arms and blessed them. The same Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazarus. The same Jesus knelt and washed His disciples' feet, including the feet of Judas who would betray Him. The same Jesus said from the cross, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34). Strength and gentleness were not enemies in Him.

They were friends.

Paul calls gentleness a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22–23). You cannot produce it yourself. You can try to fake it for a while, but it will break under pressure. True gentleness is grown in a man only by the Holy Spirit working in him over time. The more a man walks with Jesus, the gentler he becomes. The more he sees his own sin and the depth of grace he has received, the less harsh he is with others. A proud man is always harsh. A humble man is almost always gentle.

Moses is called "a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth" (Numbers 12:3). This is the same Moses who led millions out of Egypt, who confronted Pharaoh, who smashed the tablets, who judged Israel. He was no weakling. But he was humble. He led from his knees more than from his shoulders. And God entrusted him with everything.

I want to speak honestly about something that grieves the heart of God in many of our homes: domestic violence. Brother, if you have ever hit your wife, listen to me. That is not manhood. That is not biblical headship. That is sin. The hand that God gave you to bless her, to work for her, to protect her, you have used to wound her. The body that Christ has given as His own temple, you have bruised. This is not a small matter. It is a sin against your wife, against God, and against the picture of Christ and His Church that your marriage is supposed to display.

There is grace for you. But grace comes with repentance. You must confess it — to God, to her, to your pastor, to a trusted brother in the church. You must submit to counsel and accountability.

If you are in a pattern of violence, you must get help now. Not tomorrow. Now. "An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins" (Proverbs 29:22). God will not hold back His judgment from a man who harms the one he vowed to protect.

And fathers, hear me: the same applies to how you treat your children. The cane has its place within biblical, measured correction, but many of our fathers have crossed far over that line.

Children who grow up afraid of their father's hand often struggle for years to know a gentle God.

They imagine that God the Father is like Papa — unpredictable, angry, a terror. What a lie we have told them by our rage. Let us undo it by our gentleness from this day forward.

Think of Festo Kivengere, the great Ugandan evangelist. During the reign of terror under Idi Amin, after Archbishop Janani Luwum was murdered, Kivengere fled to Kenya for his life. He later wrote a book with a startling title: "I Love Idi Amin." Imagine that. A Ugandan bishop, whose friend was murdered by the dictator, saying publicly that he loved him. This was not a weakness. It was the strength of the gospel. Kivengere wrote, "On the cross, Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.' As evil as Amin was, I knew that I must love him." That is gentleness rooted in resurrection power. That is manhood under the lordship of Jesus.

Let me give you the marks of a gentle man.

A gentle man listens more than he speaks. He does not shout down his wife in an argument. He does not interrupt his children to have the last word. He listens carefully. He considers. He speaks truth, but he speaks it in love (Ephesians 4:15).

A gentle man keeps his word. His yes is yes and his no is no (Matthew 5:37). He does not need to swear, because he does not need to be loud to be believed.

A gentle man controls his temper. "Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city" (Proverbs 16:32). A man who can conquer a city but not his own temper has conquered nothing. A man who can rule his own spirit is a true king.

A gentle man forgives. He does not hold grudges. He does not wait to avenge every insult. He remembers how much he has been forgiven by Christ, and it softens him toward others.

A gentle man is approachable. His wife is not afraid to tell him something has gone wrong. His children run to him, not away from him. His employees can speak the truth to him without fear.

His friends can rebuke him in love.

A gentle man prays under pressure. When the storm comes, he does not explode. He goes to his knees. The first response of a gentle man to trouble is prayer, not panic, not rage.

Brother, our land is full of hard men. We do not need any more of them. We need gentle men — men like Christ. Men whose strength is under His control. Men whose wives are honored, whose children are treasured, whose employees are respected, whose enemies are loved. Such men change a village. Such men change a nation.

A Prayer Lord Jesus, You are gentle and humble in heart. You are strong beyond measure, and yet You never crushed a bruised reed or snuffed out a smoldering wick. Forgive me for the harshness in my words, the rage in my eyes, the cruelty in my hands.

Tame my temper, Lord. Break my pride. Teach me the true strength of gentleness.

Make me a man in whose presence my wife feels safe, my children feel loved, my enemies feel respected. Let Your Spirit bear the fruit of gentleness in me, that those who meet me may see something of You. In Your gentle and mighty name, amen.