Loving Her as Christ Loved the Church

The Husband's Calling "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word."

— Ephesians 5:25–26 There is no higher standard for a husband in all the Bible than this: love your wife as Christ loved the Church. And there is no clearer demonstration of that love than a cross.

Paul gives us this command in Ephesians 5, in a passage that has become controversial in our day but is in fact one of the most beautiful pictures of marriage ever written. He says, "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church." Many men stop reading there and puff out their chests. "Did you hear that, woman? I am the head. You must submit." But Paul does not stop there, and neither should we. He keeps writing. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."

Brother, look at the model Paul gives us. The head of the wife is like Christ, the head of the Church.

And how does Christ lead His Church? By giving Himself up for her. By taking her sin on His own body. By being crucified in her place. By washing her, not with power, but with sacrifice. By speaking the Word of God to her gently, patiently, daily. By preparing her as a radiant bride, without spot or wrinkle.

If this is the model, then "headship" has nothing to do with bossing your wife around. It has everything to do with laying down your life for her. The husband is the head not as a dictator but as a servant-leader. Not as a master but as a protector. Not as a man who takes but as a man who gives, gives, and gives again until he has nothing left.

Let us be honest about our culture, brothers. In many parts of East Africa, we have inherited practices that are not Christian, though they wear Christian clothes. The harshness some men show toward their wives, the physical violence that is still too common, the silence about bride price that turned the wife into a purchase, the expectation that a wife is a servant to fetch water and bear children but not a partner to share life — these are not the gospel. They are not the way of Christ.

They are corruptions of a good creation, and they must be repented of.

The apostle Peter wrote, "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers" (1 Peter 3:7). Three things shine here. First, live with her — not leaving her alone while you drink with friends, not away from home for months, but with her, sharing life. Second, be considerate — which in the Greek means "according to knowledge," meaning take time to know her heart, her fears, her joys, her body, her soul. Third, treat her with respect. She is an heir with you of eternal life. She will be a queen in the kingdom of heaven. Treat her now as you would treat a queen.

And do not forget that the ancient world Peter wrote to was harsher than ours. Wives could be divorced for burning dinner. Husbands ruled like kings. Into this Peter brings the gentleness of Christ. If the early Church could reform Roman marriage, the gospel can reform our marriages too.

I want you to notice one more thing in Ephesians 5. Paul says Christ cleanses the Church "by the washing with water through the word" (Ephesians 5:26). How does a husband participate in his wife's sanctification? By bringing the Word of God to her. This is why a husband must be a man of the Word. How will you wash your wife with Scripture if you do not know Scripture? How will you speak life over her in her discouragement if you cannot open the Bible? How will you remind her of the promises of God when she is fearful if the Bible is dusty on the shelf?

Martin Luther, the great German reformer, loved his wife Katharina deeply. He called her his "morning star," his "dear rib," and he relied on her as a true partner. Luther wrote, "There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion, or company than a good marriage."

He read Scripture with her. He prayed with her. He joked with her. He grieved with her when their daughter Magdalene died. Luther the theologian was also Luther the husband, and the same gospel he preached in the pulpit he lived in the kitchen. This is our call.

Let me speak even more practically. Husband, when was the last time you told your wife you love her? Not assumed it. Not showed it through providing money. Said it, looked her in the eye, with tenderness? When was the last time you apologized to her — not offered a defensive "sorry if you were offended" but a true confession, "I was wrong, please forgive me"? When was the last time you asked her about her fears, her hopes, her dreams, not about food or children or bills, but about her heart?

Your wife is not your housemaid. She is your sister in Christ before she is your wife. She is going to stand beside you in the resurrection. She is a fellow heir of the grace of life. Lead her toward Jesus, not toward exhaustion. Serve her as Christ served the Church.

I know some of you reading this are thinking, "But you do not know my wife. She is difficult. She does not respect me. She does not cook like my mother. She does not listen." Brother, Christ did not wait for the Church to be lovely before He loved her. "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). He loved us when we were His enemies. If He only loved those who deserved it, none of us would be saved. So also, you are called to love your wife not because she deserves it, but because Christ does. Your love for your wife is an act of worship to Jesus.

And to the young men who are not yet married, let me say this. Do not enter marriage lightly. Do not marry a woman because she is beautiful. Beauty fades. Do not marry a woman because she is rich. Riches fly. Do not marry a woman because your parents chose her for you without your consent. Marry a woman who fears the Lord (Proverbs 31:30), whose character you have observed over time, whom you can love as Christ loves the Church — for life. And before you take that vow, ask yourself: am I ready to die for her? Because that is what the vow means.

Finally, let me remind you of the promise. When a husband loves his wife as Christ loved the Church, something miraculous happens. The wife blooms. The home becomes peaceful. The children feel secure. The church is strengthened. The watching world sees a picture of the gospel.

Your marriage is a stage on which the love of Jesus is displayed. Do not ruin the play. Love her well.

A Prayer Lord Jesus, You loved Your Bride the Church and gave Yourself up for her. You washed her, cleansed her, spoke tenderly to her, and are preparing her for glory.

Forgive me for the ways I have failed to love my wife like You. Where I have been harsh, soften my heart. Where I have been absent, bring me home. Where I have been silent, give me words of life. Where I have exploited my authority, teach me servant-leadership. Fill me with Your Spirit, that I may love my wife not as the world loves but as You love — sacrificially, patiently, tenderly, for her sanctification and Your glory. And make our marriage a living picture of the gospel in a dark and watching world. In Your name I pray, Amen.