Childhood, Conversion and Marriage

I WAS born in the United States of America, in the State of Pennsylvania, and of religious parents. When about six years of age, my mother’s parents, who resided on their own farm, far in the interior of America, at a distance of many hundred miles, came to visit us. My parents had three children then living; the eldest, a boy about twelve years of age, myself, and a younger sister. On his return, my grandfather took my brother with him, promising to bring him up to the business of his farm; and I saw him not again until more than thirty years afterwards.

At twelve years of age I was bereaved of my mother, who died in child-birth of her twenty-second child, all of whom, with the exception of three, died in infancy. My father, having placed my younger sister under the care of her aunt, then consigned me to the care of Pierson and Rebecca Mitchel, with whom I remained until I attained the age of eighteen. After I had been with the above-mentioned persons one year and six months, it pleased God to remove my dear father to the world of spirits; and, being thus bereft of my natural guardians, I had no other friends on earth to look to, but those kind benefactors under whom my dear father had placed me.

But that God whose mercy endureth for ever, still continued mindful of me; but oh, what a change did I experience in my new abode from that to which I had been accustomed. In my father’s house, family devotion was regularly attended to morning and evening; prayer was offered up, and the praises of God were sung; but the persons with whom I now resided were Quakers, and their religious exercises, if they observed any, were performed in the secret silence of the mind; nor were religion and devotion referred to by them in my hearing, which rendered my transition from home the more strange; and, being very young, and no apparent religious restraint being laid upon me, I soon gave way to the evil propensities of an unregenerate heart, which is enmity against God, and heedlessly ran into the ways of sin, taking pleasure in the paths of folly. But that God, whose eyes are ever over all His handy works, suffered me not unchecked to pursue the courses of sin. My father’s death frequently introduced very serious reflections into my mind; and often was I deeply affected, and constrained to weep before God, when no human eye beheld my emotion. But, notwithstanding these seasons of serious contrition, my associations with the juvenile members of the family were too generally marked by the accustomed gaities of a wanton heart. Our childish conversations sometimes turned upon the day of judgment, and our appearance in the presence of the great God on that portentous occasion, which originated in my breast the most solemn emotions whenever I was alone; for I felt myself to be so exceedingly sinful, that I was certain of meeting with condemnation at the bar of God. I knew not what to do; nor were there any persons to whom I durst open my mind upon the subject, and therefore remained ignorant of the great remedy disclosed by the plan of salvation afforded by the gospel, and incapable of religious progress. I was at times deeply affected with penitence, but could not rightly comprehend what it was that ailed me. Sometimes I resolutely shook off all my impressions, and became more thoughtless than before; one instance, in particular, is so rivetted on my memory, that I shall never forget it when ever I glance back upon my youthful life. On this occasion I was talking very foolishly, and even ventured to take the name of God in vain, in order to cater to the sinful tastes of my companions; it well pleased their carnal minds, and they laughed with delight at my profanity; but, whilst I was in the very act of swearing, I looked up, and imagined that I saw God looking down and frowning upon me: my tongue was instantly silenced; and I retired from my frolicsome companions to reflect upon what I had said and done. To the praise of divine mercy, that God who willeth not the death of a sinner, but rather that all should turn unto him and live, did not even now abandon me, but called me by an effectual call through the following dream. It was a prevailing notion in that part of the world with many, that whatever a person dreamed between the times of twilight and sunrise, was prophetically ominous, and would shortly come to pass; and, on that very night, after I had offended my heavenly Father by taking His name in vain, He aroused and alarmed my spirit, by presenting before me in a dream the awful terrors of the day of judgment, accompanied by its terrific thunders. I thought that the Angel Gabriel came and proclaimed that time should be no longer; and he said, “Jehovah was about to judge the world, and execute judgment on it.” I then exclaimed in my dream, “Oh, Lord, what shall I do? I am unprepared to meet thee.” I then meditated an escape, but could not effect it; and in this horrific dilemma I awoke: the day was just dawning; and the intense horror of my guilty mind was such as to defy description. I was now about fourteen years of age; and this dream proved an effectual call to my soul. I meditated deeply upon it, my spirits became greatly depressed, and I wept excessively. I was naturally of a very lively and active disposition, and the shock my feelings had sustained from this alarming dream, attracted the attention of my mistress, who inquired the reason of so great a change. I related my dream to her, and also stated my sentiments with respect to it: she used every endeavour to comfort me, saying that it was only a dream; that dreams have nothing ominous in them; and I ought not to give myself any more concern respecting it: but she failed in her attempt to tranquillize my mind, because the convictions of my sinfulness in the sight of God, and incompetency to meet my Judge, were immoveable and distressing. I now gave myself much to meditation, and lisped out my simple and feeble prayers to God, as well as my limited apprehensions and youthful abilities admitted. About this time, the Methodists made their first appearance in that part of the country, and I was permitted to attend their meetings once a fortnight, on the Sabbath afternoons, from which I derived great satisfaction; but the divine work on my soul was a very gradual one, and my way was prepared as the dawning of the morning. I never experienced that terrific dread of hell by which some Christians appear to have been exercised; but I felt a godly sorrow for sin in having grieved my God by a course of disobedience to His commands. I had been trained to attend the Quaker meetings; and, on their preaching occasions, I was pleased to be in attendance, and often found comfort from the word ministered by them; but I was, notwithstanding, usually very much cast down on account of my sins before God; and in this state I continued many months before I could attain sufficient confidence to say, “My Lord and my God.” But as the darkness was gradually dispelled, the light dawned upon my mind, and I increased in knowledge daily; yet I possessed no assurance of my acceptance before God; though I enjoyed a greater peace of mind in waiting upon my heavenly father than at any previous time; my prayer was daily for the Lord to assure me of the forgiveness of my sins; and I at length proved the verification of the promise, “They that seek shall find;” for, one evening, whilst singing one of the songs of Zion, I distinctly saw the Lord Jesus approach me with open arms, and a most divine and heavenly smile upon his countenance. As He advanced towards me, I felt that his very looks spoke, and said, “Thy prayer is accepted, I own thy name.” From that day to the present, I have never entertained a doubt of the manifestation of his love to my soul.

Yea, I may say further than this; because, at the time when this occurrence took place, I was milking in the cow stall; and the manifestation of his presence was so clearly apparent, that even the beast of the stall turned her head and bowed herself upon the ground. Oh, never, never shall I forget the scene. Some persons, perhaps, may be incredulous, and say, “How can these things be, and in what form did He appear?” Dear reader, whoever thou art, into whose hands this narrative may fall, I will try to gratify thee by endeavouring to describe his manifestation. It occurred as I was singing the following lines:—

“Oh, when shall I see Jesus,
And dwell with him above;
And drink from flowing fountains,
Of everlasting love.
When shall I be delivered
From this vain world of sin;
And, with my blessed Jesus,
Drink endless pleasures in?”

As I was milking the cow and singing, I turned my head, and saw a tall figure approaching, who came and stood by me. He had long hair, which parted in the front and came down on his shoulders; he wore a long white robe down to the feet; and as he stood with open arms and smiled upon me, he disappeared. I might have tried to imagine, or persuade myself, perhaps, that it had been a vision presented merely to the eye of my mind; but, the beast of the stall gave forth her evidence to the reality of the heavenly appearance; for she turned her head and looked round as I did; and when she saw, she bowed her knees and cowered down upon the ground. I was overwhelmed with astonishment at the sight, but the thing was certain and beyond all doubt. I write as before God and Christ, and declare, as I shall give an account to my Judge at the great day, that every thing I have written in this little book, has been written with conscientious veracity and scrupulous adherence to truth.

After this wonderful manifestation of my condescending Saviour, the peace of God which passeth understanding was communicated to my heart; and joy in the Holy Ghost, to a degree, at the least, unutterable by my tongue and indescribable by my pen; it was beyond my comprehension; but, from that happy hour, my soul was set at glorious liberty; and, like the Ethiopic eunuch, I went on my way rejoicing in the blooming prospects of a better inheritance with the saints in light.

This, my dear reader, was the manner of my soul’s conversion to God, told in language unvarnished by the graces of educated eloquence, nor transcending the capacity of a child to understand.

The love of God being now shed abroad in my heart by the Holy Spirit, and my soul transported with heavenly peace and joy in God, all the former hardships which pertained to my circumstances and situation vanished; the work and duties which had previously been hard and irksome were now become easy and pleasant; and the evil propensities of my disposition and temper were subdued beneath the softening and refining pressure of divine grace upon my heart.

In the year 1808, I united myself in the fellowship of the saints with the militant church of Jesus on earth; and I can never forget that memorable evening on which I went up formally to present my hand to the brethren, and my heart for ever to the Lord.

I was received by the travelling preacher, the Rev. J. Polhemos. After sermon, he conducted the class; in the course of which he inquired if there were any persons present who desired to join the society: I then arose from my seat, and replied, “Yes, bless the Lord, here is one.” He fixed his eyes upon me for a short time, and said, “Well, this seems a bold champion indeed.” He then asked me the reason of my hope in Christ; if I enjoyed the evidence and witness of the Holy Spirit; if I calculated that I should be able to hold out to the end; and many very important questions besides; cautioning me against the deceptive imagination that the testimony I had given before the brethren, which had been witnessed by angels, or my union with the church, would alone be sufficient for my salvation. He then inquired if there existed any objections against my admission as a member of the Methodist Episcopal Society; and there being none, he entered my name into the class book of the society. I then returned home, meditating on that which I had heard and done, and praying that God would bestow on me sufficient grace to enable me to perform all his righteous will. Truly, in those days, my peace flowed as a river, and the light of God’s countenance continually shone upon me; my path grew brighter and brighter, and my soul was stayed upon his gracious word and promises.

But, notwithstanding this tide of divine comforts so richly replenished my soul, Satan, my great adversary, frequently assailed me with various trials and temptations, and the young folks often derided me as being a Methodist: it was my happiness to be such, and I thanked God who counted me meet to be a partaker of the heavenly calling. I sometimes met with very severe rebukes from my mistress, and I endured her reproofs without the exhibition of my former resentments and saucy replies: whatever storm arose, I was hid in the cleft of the rock until it was blown over. How vast a source of consolation did I derive from habitual communion with my God; to Him I repaired in secret to acquaint Him with all my griefs, and obtained both sympathy and succour. At such times, an overflowing stream of love has filled my soul, even beyond my utmost capacity to contain, and I have thought, when in such ecstacies of bliss, that I should certainly die under them, and go to my heavenly father at once, from an earthly to an heavenly transport; for I could not imagine it possible for any human being to feel such gusts of the love of God, and continue to exist in this world of sin.

But it was with me as with the great apostle of the Gentiles; when I was a child I thought as a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child; but when I attained to maturity, I put away childish things. For as an earthly father pitieth his children, so does our Heavenly Father pity those who fear Him: they who serve Him in the time of peace, He will not abandon in the times of war and conflict, which in our probation here it behoves us to pass through. He has promised to carry the young Lambs in His bosom; and He verified that promise, in my experience, in the day of my trouble. Many were the tears which overflowed my eyes, and indicated the sorrows of my heart, and which none but God was the witness of. There were no persons in the house in which I resided, to whom I could at any time open my mind; for the knowledge of God was possessed by none in that family with the exception of my master, and amongst them I dwelt as a speckled bird; but the want of suitable associates, and the singularity with which I was treated, drove me to God my refuge, and proved very congenial to increased intimacy of communion with Him.

Prior to my experience of the life and power of godliness, my mistress frequently charged me with pertness and insolent behaviour; but after I had imbibed somewhat of the meekness and gentleness of Jesus, and had been instructed by his religion not to answer again when chided, then she frequently charged me with sullenness and mopishness. This treatment often sent me to the throne of grace, to seek the sympathy of Him who is touched with the feeling of our infirmities. I now felt, bitterly, the loss of my dear mother, whose earthly remains had long since been consigned to the house appointed for all living, and her spirit made meet for the inheritance of the saints in light, in which I hope to meet her at the right hand of God. Oh, how often do I think of the advantages enjoyed by many young people, who are blessed with devout and godly parents, and of the little estimation they are held in by too many perverse and giddy children, who, instead of greatly prizing the grace conferred upon them, resent the kind restraints of family worship and attendance at the house of God. Some of them, perhaps, may ultimately be led as I was, when their parents are gathered to the generation of their fathers, to pine after the privileges which they had once despised and finally lost. See ye to it, ye careless, giddy, perverse young folks, while the light of parental godliness yet illumines the house; prize it, imbibe it, conform yourselves to and profit by it, that the fervent petitions of your pious parents, in your behalf, may be prevailingly successful, by the production of a spirit of prayer in yourselves, and the bowing of your souls to God.

Before I knew the power of real religion, I was timid and fearful when alone in the dark; and if I had recently heard of the death of any person, even if it had occurred at a distance of twelve miles, I durst not go out of doors at night alone, from the superstitious dread of seeing their apparition, and to pass a grave-yard alone was terrible indeed; but when the Lord had spoken peace to my soul, by the manifestation of Christ, my fear was removed; and my heavenly Father instructed me in reference to departed spirits, that if they slept in Jesus they would have no desire again to visit this world of sorrow; and if, on the other hand, they had died under the power and dominion of Satan, he would surely retain them safely in his custody, and not allow of their enlargement. I thus was freed from the terror by night, and dwelt secure under the protection of the Almighty.

The place of meeting for the class I was connected with, was two miles distant from my abode, and my way thither lay near two grave-yards; but, thanks be unto God, I had no dread upon my mind as I passed them continually on my way to and return from the class meeting; and I counted this as strong evidence of a great privilege to a heart renewed by divine and omnipotent grace; to God be all the praise! It is to be considered that a two miles journey in the more rural territories of the United States, is very different from the same distance along the streets or well frequented roads of England: across the lonely fields, and through the dark and hazy woods at night, the way is awfully silent and frightfully wild; but these nocturnal walks were to me seasons of sweet communion with my God: I went on my way rejoicing; fervent prayers and heavenly meditation were to me the very elements of life; my meat and drink by day and night. My delights were to follow the leadings and obey the dictates of the Holy Spirit, and glorify with my body and spirit my Father who is in heaven. I enjoyed richly the spirit of adoption: knowing myself to be an adopted child of divine love, I claimed God as my Father, and his Son Jesus as my dear friend, who adhered to me more faithfully in goodness than a brother: and with my blessed Saviour, Redeemer, Intercessor, and Patron, I enjoyed a delightsome heavenly communion, such as the world has never conceived of.

Thus I passed three happy years after my conversion, growing in grace and in the knowledge of God. At the commencement of my religious course, I was deplorably ignorant and dark; but the Lord himself was graciously pleased to become my teacher, instructing me by his Holy Spirit, in the knowledge of the Holy Scriptures. It was not by the aid of human instruments that I was first drawn to Christ; and it was by the Lord alone that I was upheld, confirmed, instructed, sanctified, and directed.

The persons who become members of the Methodist societies in America are first introduced to the class, which they attend for six months on probation; at the expiration of which, if their conduct has been consistent with their professions, they are baptised, and accounted full members of the society. After I had completed my six months probation, I was baptised by the Rev. Joseph Lybrand; and I shall never forget the heavenly impression I felt on that joyfully solemn occasion. Truly the one Spirit of Jesus doth by means of His ministers, baptise us into the one body of Jesus. 1 Cor. xii. 13. When he said, “I baptise thee into the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, Amen,” I was so overwhelmed with the love of God, that self seemed annihilated: I was completely lost and absorbed in the divine fascinations. The Rev. Divine then added, “Be thou faithful unto death, and thou shalt receive a crown of life; and, ‘Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do with all thy might;’ for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” I was now accounted a full member of the society, and privileged with the communion of the Lord’s Supper. In this happy home I continued nearly seven years, and only parted from it when I left my situation.

In the year 1810, I surrendered myself in marriage to Joseph Elaw, a very respectable young man, in the general acceptation of the term, but he was not a Christian,—that is, a sincere and devoted disciple of Christ, though nominally bearing His name. Oh! let me affectionately warn my dear unmarried sisters in Christ, against being thus unequally yoked with unbelievers. In general your lot would be better, if a millstone were hung about your necks, and you were drowned in the depths of the sea, than that you should disobey the law of Jesus, and plunge yourselves into all the sorrows, sins, and anomalies involved in a matrimonial alliance with an unbeliever. This mischief frequently emanates from the delusive sentiments in which the female portion of the Christian community is steeped. Young ladies imagine themselves their own mistresses before they are able to shift for themselves; and especially when they attain the legal maturity fixed by the civil law. Pride, consequential haughtiness, and independent arrogance in females, are the worst vices of humanity, and are denounced in the Scriptures as insuring the severest retributions of God. Isaiah iii. 16—24. The laws of Scripture invest parents with the trust and control of their daughter, until the time, be it early or late in life, when the father surrenders her in marriage to the care and government of a husband: then, and not till then, the guardianship and government of her father over her ceases; and then, formed as she is by nature for subordination, she becomes the endowment and is subject to the authority of her husband. The boastful speeches too often vented by young females against either the paternal yoke or the government of a husband, is both indecent and impious—conveying a wanton disrespect to the regulations of Scripture: the fancied independence and self-control in which they indulge, has no foundation either in nature or Scripture, and is prolific with the worst results both to religion and society. That woman is dependant on and subject to man, is the dictate of nature; that the man is not created for the woman, but the woman for the man, is that of Scripture. these principles lie at the foundation of the family and social systems; and their violation is a very immoral and guilty act. These remarks will not, I trust, be out of place here. I now observe, in reference to the marriage of a Christian with an unbeliever, that there is not, there cannot be in it, that mutual sympathy and affectionate accordance which exists in the marriage lives of devoted Christians, when both parties are cordially progressing on the king’s highway. How discordant are the sentiments, tastes, and feelings of the Christian and unbeliever, when unequally, and I may say, wickedly allied together in the marriage state. The worldly man displays his settled aversion to the things of religion, and especially against the sincerity and tenacity with which his believing partner adheres to them; and on the other hand, the believer displays his settled abhorrence of the things of the world, to which he is crucified and dead: nor can the strength of any carnal attachment betwixt the parties, or the utmost stretch of courtesy on both sides, ever reconcile the radical opposition of their principles. If the saint winks at the worldly course pursued by his partner, he evidences the weakness of Christian principle in himself, is unfaithful to his profession, and perfidious to the King of kings; if he reproves it, he involves the household in strife, his own soul in vexation, and perils it by wrath. Besides, the wife is destined to be the help-meet of her husband; but if he be a worldly man, she cannot, she dare not be either his instrument or abettor in worldly lusts and sinful pursuits; if he be a saint, and she a child of wrath, she is not his help-meet, but his drawback and curse; and in either case she possesses the title or name of a wife without the qualification, viz. that of a help-meet. By the Jewish law, the marriage of a Jew with a woman of a prohibited nation, was not accounted marriage, but fornication, Ezra x. 11, Hebrews xii. 16; and it is a very serious impropriety also under the Christian dispensation. I am aware that when once the carnal courtship is commenced, the ensnared Christian fondly imagines that he shall soon be able to persuade his unregenerate companion to think as he does, and also to love and serve God with him; and on the other hand, the carnal suitor accounts religion as mere whimsy and pretence, and flatters himself that he shall soon divert the object of his desire from so melancholy and superstitious a pursuit; and thus both of them are miserably deceived, and miss of that happiness they so fallaciously had dreamt of. I am sorry to say, I know something of this by experience. My dear husband had been a member of the society to which I belonged, and had been afterwards disowned by them; but I could not regard him as a backslider from religion, for I am of opinion that he had never tasted of the pardoning love of God through the atonement of Jesus Christ. He made me many promises that he would again unite with the Church, and try to devote his life to the service of God; but they were never fulfilled. After we had been married about a year, he resolved to use every means to induce me to renounce my religion, and abolish my attendance at the meeting-house. It was then that my troubles began, and grew so severe, that I knew not what to do; but that God who is a present help in every time of need was with me still, and enabled me to endure every trial with meekness; and when suffering his keenest chidings for my attendance at the meeting-house, I kept my mouth as with a bridle, and sinned not with my tongue. He was passionately fond of music and dancing, and determined to introduce me to such amusements; thinking that I should be as delighted as himself with the merriments of the world, and hoping thereby to accomplish his object: but that God whom I served night and day, preserved me in the hour of temptation, and shielded me from harm. We resided about twenty miles from Philadelphia, a city of great note in America, and which I had never yet seen. An opportunity at length was presented for us to repair thither; and my dear husband projected my introduction to his favourite resort—the ball-room, on our visit to this great city. We accordingly travelled to Philadelphia; and after we had been there a few days, we went to take a walk and view the different edifices and parts of the city: he then conducted me into a place which I quickly recognised as a ball-room; for the violin struck up, and the people began to caper the merry dance, and take their fill of pleasure. The tones of the music and the boundings of the people were to me like awful peals of thunder; and all I could do was to weep before God. I often think and say,

“Where’er I am, where’er I move,
I meet the object of my love.”

Although I was then in a ball-room, I think that I never heard a sermon that preached more impressively to me than the display I witnessed there, in the din and scenery of that vapourish bubble of worldly gaiety and pleasure. Well might the wise man exclaim, “All is vanity and vexation of spirit!”

From the ill success of this wretched experiment, my dear husband found his expectations disappointed, and he never after urged me to accompany him to such places,—to God be all the praise! We soon returned home; and I continued on my course, blessing and praising God for his kind preserving care of me in the perilous hour of temptation.

My husband was a fuller by trade; and when the embargo was laid on British vessels, all traffic ceased betwixt the two nations: the cloth manufacturers in the States enlarged their business very extensively, and the demand for hands was urgent. By this turn of affairs we were induced to remove our place of residence to the city of Burlington, in the state of New Jersey, which was to me a happy removal indeed; and I plainly read the indications of the Lord’s goodness in it: for the class assembled at a house but a few doors from mine; the chapel was also near, and I more plentifully enjoyed the means of grace, and grew thereby. Highly did I prize these precious privileges, for I grew in grace daily, and in the knowledge of the truth as it is in Jesus. With cheerful gratitude and paramount peace could I sing these lines—

“How happy every child of grace,
Who knows his sins forgiven;
This earth, he cries, is not my place,
I seek my rest in Heaven.”

I am compelled to omit much interesting and important matter relative to my religious experience and life, and pass to the more strikingly eventful points, lest I should swell these pages beyond my present limited means for the press.