When the Dark Comes Back

“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him.” — Psalm 42:11 (KJV)

This chapter is about something many people don’t talk about, and it matters, so please read it carefully.

Brainerd struggled with deep sadness for most of his life. Jonathan Edwards, who knew him at the end and published his diary, wrote that he was “by his constitution and natural temper, so prone to melancholy and dejection of Spirit.” In other words, it was part of how he was made. Today we might call some of what he went through depression.

His diary is painfully honest about it. A week after arriving at Kaunaumeek he wrote that he felt “exceedingly ignorant, weak, helpless, unworthy, and altogether unequal to my work.” And then: “My soul was weary of my life; I longed for death, beyond measure.” Elsewhere he called himself “the vilest creature on earth.”

Those are hard words to read. If they sound like your own thoughts, you are not alone, and you are not a bad Christian. Brainerd loved God deeply and was used by him powerfully, and he still had these dark seasons. Sadness like this is not a sign that God has rejected you.

Notice two things Brainerd himself did. First, he didn’t hide it. He wrote it down honestly before God, like the psalms do. Second, he kept turning back. On that same dark day he wrote: “Toward night I had the exercise of faith in prayer.” Some days he could barely manage that, but he kept bringing his darkness to God.

Notice something else, too. Brainerd mostly carried his darkness alone, in the woods, with no one to talk to. That made it worse. You don’t have to do that. God often helps us through other people: parents, friends, pastors, counsellors and doctors. Getting help for depression or anxiety is not a lack of faith. It is wisdom.

So here is the most important thing in this book. If you often feel the way Brainerd did, so low that life feels like too much, please tell someone you trust this week. And if you ever have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, tell an adult right away, or contact your local emergency number or a crisis helpline. You matter to God and to the people around you, more than you can feel right now.

The psalmist argued with his own sad soul: Why are you so downcast? Hope in God, for I will yet praise him. Brainerd lived in that tension for years. And God carried him through it.

One thing to do this week: if you have been carrying a heavy sadness on your own, tell one trusted adult about it this week. If you are doing okay, think of a friend who seems to be struggling and check in on them: ask how they really are, and listen.