Saying Sorry

“He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.” — Proverbs 28:13 (KJV)

For a while, Brainerd felt badly treated by Yale, and in some ways he had been. Many people at the time thought the college had been too harsh. But as he grew closer to God, he started to see his own part more clearly.

In 1743, more than a year after his expulsion, he went back to New Haven and offered the college a written confession. It is worth reading slowly, because it is a model of a real apology:

“I humbly confess, that herein I have sinned against God, and acted contrary to the rules of his word, and have injured Mr. Whittelsey. I had no right to make thus free with his character; and had no just reason to say as I did concerning him.”

Look at what he does. He names exactly what he did wrong. He calls it sin against God, not just a mistake. He admits he hurt a real person. He doesn’t make excuses or say “but they were unfair too.” He says he had often thought back on it “with grief.” And then: “I humbly ask the forgiveness of the governors of the college and of the whole society; but of Mr. Whittelsey in particular.”

He was honest, too, about what he didn’t remember. He had also been accused of saying something rude about the head of the college. He said, “I seriously profess that I do not remember my saying any thing to this purpose,” but that if he had, he condemned it. A real apology doesn’t mean confessing to things you didn’t do. It means owning what you did.

Did it work? Not the way he hoped. The college still did not give him his degree. Sometimes when you put things right, the consequences don’t disappear. But Brainerd had done what was his to do. His conscience was clear, and the bitterness that could have poisoned his heart was gone.

Most of us are better at feeling wronged than at saying sorry. We wait for the other person to apologise first. We add “but” to our apologies. We say “sorry if you were offended” instead of “I was wrong.” Brainerd, a proud and gifted young man who really had been treated harshly, chose humility instead.

Proverbs says the person who covers up their sins won’t prosper, but whoever confesses them and turns from them will find mercy. That mercy comes first from God. Often, though not always, it comes from people too.

One thing to do this week: think of someone you owe an apology to. This week, apologise properly: name what you did, don’t add a “but,” say how it might have hurt them, and ask their forgiveness. Do it in person if you can.