Let Him Go, If He Will

“But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.” — 1 John 1:7 (KJV)

For a while Bunyan had real peace. He loved Christ, he says, “as hot as fire.” Then the worst temptation of his life arrived. It was a single thought: sell Christ. Swap him for the things of this life, for anything at all.

It came for a whole year, often every hour. He couldn't eat, pick up a pin, chop a stick, or look at anything without the thought joining in: “Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that; sell Him, sell Him.” Sometimes it ran a hundred times in a row. He fought it with everything he had. He would push with his hands and elbows, answering out loud as fast as the thought came, “I will not, I will not, I will not, I will not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds.”

Sometimes the temptation even dressed itself up as holiness. In the middle of a meal it would insist that he must stop eating and go and pray immediately, or he would displease God. If he finished his food, he then felt as guilty as if he'd disobeyed God himself.

Then one morning, lying in bed, the thought came again, “as fast as a man could speak.” He answered, “No, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands, at least twenty times together.” He was almost out of breath. And then this thought passed through his heart: “Let Him go, if He will!” He felt as if his heart had agreed.

“Now was the battle won, and down I fell, as a bird that is shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair.” He got out of bed and wandered into a field, where for two hours he was “like a man bereft of life.” A verse from Hebrews landed on him about Esau, who sold his birthright for one meal: “he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.” Bunyan was sure that was him now. “Nothing now for two years together would abide with me, but damnation, and an expectation of damnation.”

There were small breaks in the cloud. Walking by a hedge, months later, the words came to him, “The blood of Christ remits all guilt,” and then, “The blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.” For a moment he saw that his sin, compared with the blood of Christ, was like “this little clot or stone before me” compared with “this vast and wide field.” The peace lasted two or three hours. Then the verse about Esau came back.

Look closely at what happened that morning. A man who loved Christ was hammered with one unwanted thought, hundreds of times a day, for a year. He fought it until he was exhausted, and then one tired, panicked thought slipped through. Was that really the same as choosing to reject Jesus? In the chapters ahead, Bunyan himself comes to see that it was not.

If your mind ever gets locked into a loop like this, where you argue and argue with a thought and it only gets stronger, please hear this: that is not a sign that you are wicked or that God has left you. It is a pattern many people's minds fall into, and it is known and treatable. Bunyan had to fight it almost alone for years. You don't. Talk to someone you trust, and let a pastor and a doctor or counsellor help you carry it. If the despair ever turns into thoughts of hurting yourself, tell a safe person straight away.

One thing to do this week: if you are stuck in a mental argument you can't win, stop trying to win it on your own. Tell one person you trust what is going on. Saying it out loud to someone safe is not giving in; it is getting help.