What If a Friend Talks About Ending Their Life?

The short answer: Take it seriously, and tell a trusted adult straight away, even if your friend begs you to keep it secret. If they are in immediate danger, contact emergency services where you live, and stay with them if it’s safe. It’s not your job to fix them on your own, and telling isn’t betrayal. It’s love.

If you’re reading this because a friend has said something that scared you, start here.

If a friend talks about ending their life, never keep it secret, even if they ask you to. Tell a trusted adult straight away: a parent, a teacher, a school counsellor, a youth leader. If there is immediate danger, contact emergency services where you live. If it’s safe, stay with them until help comes.

Read that again if you need to. Everything else in this chapter comes after it.

Take it seriously

Sometimes it’s clear: “I want to die.” Sometimes it’s quieter: “Everyone would be better off without me.” “I won’t be around much longer.” “What’s the point?” A friend giving away their things, saying goodbye in strange ways, or suddenly seeming calm after a long time of despair can also be warning signs. You don’t need to be sure. If you’re worried, act as if it’s real. It’s far better to be wrong and safe than right and too late.

It is not a betrayal to tell

The hardest part is often the promise. “Don’t tell anyone. Promise me.” You may feel that telling an adult would destroy their trust. But a promise to keep someone’s danger secret is a promise you must break. Imagine a friend trapped in a burning building asking you not to call the fire brigade. Love calls anyway.

Your friend may be angry with you for a while. Many people who were helped later say they were glad someone told. “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). This is one of those times.

What to say, and what not to say

You don’t need perfect words. Being there matters more than being clever.

• Do listen. Let them talk. “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak” (James 1:19).
• Do say you care. “I’m really glad you told me.” “I don’t want to lose you.” “You’re not a burden to me.”
• Do ask directly. It’s all right to ask, “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” Asking doesn’t put the idea in their head. It shows you can handle the truth.
• Do help them get help. Offer to go with them to an adult, or to sit with them while they make the call.
• Don’t argue or lecture. Telling them they’re being selfish, or that they’d go to hell, or that other people have it worse, will only push them further away.
• Don’t promise secrecy. Say, kindly, “I care about you too much to keep this to myself.”
• Don’t leave them alone if you think they’re in danger right now.

Not your job alone

You are not your friend’s counsellor, doctor or rescuer. You’re their friend. Your part is to care and to get them to people who can help. If, despite everything, your friend is hurt, that is not your fault. You are not responsible for someone else’s choices.

The Bible says, “Carry one another’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2), but notice it says one another. Nobody is meant to carry a burden this heavy by themselves. “Two are better than one... For if one falls down, his companion can lift him up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9–10). You lift your friend by bringing more people in.

Looking after yourself

Being close to someone who is struggling like this is exhausting and frightening. Talk to an adult about how you are feeling as well. Keep sleeping, eating and doing normal things. Pray for your friend, and let other people pray for you. If you ever think about hurting yourself or not wanting to be alive, tell a parent or trusted adult right away. That line is for you too.

There is hope

When the prophet Elijah was so exhausted that he “prayed that he might die,” God didn’t scold him. An angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat” (1 Kings 19:4–5). God cared for his body, gave him rest and company, and gave him a future. People who feel hopeless today can, and very often do, get better with the right help. Your friend’s story isn’t over, and by speaking up, you may be part of how it continues.

Think about it: Who are two adults you could go to straight away if a friend ever told you they wanted to end their life?

Go deeper: The Key Teachings of Richard Baxter — a seventeenth-century pastor who treated depression as a real illness needing medical help, Baxter tells those caring for a despairing person not to argue with every dark thought or add guilt, but to tend to the body, keep them in company, and sit with them while they cannot pray. Start with chapter 14, “Counsel for the Melancholy”.